Dear Mischief,

1. Socks and slippers are not evil and out to get you. Really. Also, they have no super-powers to possess the person wearing them. Really.
2. Drinking out of your water bowl is a perfectly reasonable alternative to drinking out of the tap. Especially at night or early in the morning.
3. Thunder can't hurt you. Lightning, yes; thunder, no.
4. I am not a convenient springboard on your way to the top of the couch. You. are. heavy!
5. Why are you so heavy!? You're not that big, and yet it feels like you're made out of lead. I swear you weigh 500 pounds.
6. Also, no need to be afraid of: vacuums, Kleenex, the doorbell, dogs that are 1/3 of your size...I'm sure there's more that I can't think of at the moment.
7. Yes, we know you are very cute and you like to be carried around like a baby. However, you. are. incredibly. heavy!
8. You are the only cat I've ever seen faint. Actually, you're the only animal I've ever seen faint, barring fainting goats on TV.
9. Don't cry to go outside and then run away when I try to put your harness on you. Repeatedly.
10. Why must you gallop just ahead of my feet when I try to walk down the hall or the stairs? Are you trying to kill me?
11. Why don't you just embrace your love of water and go for a swim, already? I know it's not "what cats do," but I won't tell. Your secret's safe with me.
12. Every once in awhile, you get a look on your face that causes me to suspect that you're completely insane. I think that if you were human, you might be going around telling people that your name is Napoleon Bonaparte, leader of the French Revolution.